Woke up this morning. Argued with mom. I had over slept. Made a conscious effort not to bump into dad while going downstairs for breakkie. Yes, walking through my own house hush hush'edly !! And here I am, 1.11pm @ work, doing what I do every morning, Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I see it in their eyes. Its glares back at me. And at times, I wish they did something to hide it. Their disappointment eats me. It chews away a part of my already tarnished soul minute by minute. Whats worse, I give in. I do nothing, nothing to conserve my caliber. I see it drowning. I am the one whose drowning it.
Must I feel compelled or must I be selfish ?! My life. My choice. But I am what I am not by choice. I wish I had the option. I would have optd out. I crave normality. I crave sanity. But, I dont even know normality and sanity. Theres none of it. nowhere. Well, the grass is always greener on the other side na?
Shudnt I atleast give them something ?!? Something. They will never have grandchildren. All that gold, all those diamonds she speaks about will just lay there in her wardrobe.No ma, dont buy em, those bangles. No, we wont say blessings only no gifts or bouqets even. No, it wont be some swanky five star hotel. It wont be the racecourse. No. There will none of it. No wedding no reception.No Ma, she doesnt exist.
Dont they atleast deserve this much ?!? This much, what is this much !? Me sacrificing my dreams. Wait, did I say dreams, where are those dreams ?!? What dreams ?!? Which dreams?!? Dreams to be good at what I did?! Blah ! Dreams to be successful blah ?! Dreams to be happy !! Blah. I have no dreams no more.
Is he right when he says, my dreams only require money !!! And never will I be able to step out of this paradox. Have I fallen prey to my own vices, my own comforts that even when given the choice to step out. I show nothing but reluctance. Why !? I am a wuss, thats what I am. A slumberous wuss.
Where have I bought myself to ?! I am a here. I am missing. No one's lookin for me. Yet I hear my name being shouted aloud. Yes, I am here, come fetch me. Pull me out. There, thats my head disappearing into the muck. I am sorry. I am sorry I disappoint you. I try. Just not whole heartedly. And please, dont ask me to stop moppin and do something about it. I have had enough of that, I am sorry. I just am. Forgive me. I have failed. Failed my own soul. Sorry ma !
o hello.. and u seem very down. don't be so down, mr once again. i'm going thru a phase of life slightly similar... shud i/shudn't i? what shud i/shudnt i? .... lol, and the questions, they keep on going. we must have coffee sometime, we really must.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, experienced that, circumstances (not my effort - I'm too lazy for that) moved me on.
ReplyDeleteI sure you will find your way out of there as well.
Hopefully, driven out in style (I'm guessing the liscence is still not there).
Viraf
do u think everything in this world is justa coincidence!
ReplyDeletethe stars, the sun, moon galaxies?
nopes naa?
there is some unseen force(yet seen in so many ways)working all the time.
Focus. You will know. Just focus and pray incessently. At least do that for one night. Focus on one power. ONE.
ct: aawww, ainchyu a sweet boi now. this wasnt one supposed to be em, one of those self pity posts. Tho am quite consistent with my mood fluctuations this one certainly was over the hill. So much drama no.
ReplyDeleteyes, coffee sounds good, tho the last time u said lets some 'chai' and smiled even - u wented away with 'v' to tea centre * hmph *
viraf - well, hello there :-) always comforting to know that the path has been trolled upon previously. Thank You, I am quite hoping I'll find my way out too, this limbo mode quite sucks !
* coy grin * its only been two years since I lost my license. clause # 2837 in the bible of procrastination forbids acquisition of necessary items before a mandatory wait of 3-4 yrs.
anon: amen :)
hey oprah its ok be dramatic once in a while........u have been to tea center with v right???????just dont dwell on it for too long.
ReplyDeletewhat i meant is dont dwell on the moments of self-pity
ReplyDeleteHey there,
ReplyDeleteThere is a subclause that says that at the end of 4 years you can apply for a further grace period of 2 years.
At the end of that period the onus of making sure that you drive with valid documents devolves upon family and friends.
I got my duplicate licence given to me as a birthday present from a friend who was shocked that the last time i had carried one was in 1996.
darling....like u would say : say thank you and no returns... :-) smile baby and live. cos u have somewhere down the line taught me how to and i blooody well will..
ReplyDeletecheer up now baby
read the post - don't know how to react - have decided chatting is the most useless form of communication. Don't pull urself too down that u r not living ur parent's dreams - u will find ur own groove. Just give urself sometime to recover.
ReplyDeleteHey buddy
ReplyDeleteChill. You have not failed anybody.. just because you are not going to get married does not mean that you've failed them. I guess you need a break. Ever considered shifting to another city and living away from parents for awhile?
Love
Sahil
aparna: nopes. not been to tea centre in years :) not since 've gotten out of college ! * sighs * n never ever with 'v'
ReplyDeleteviraf: now now my boi, if u read closely, the very first clause says .. do not. simply do not read the entire bible. * sniggers * nonetheless, I shall apply for one, those extensions.
S&M : "cos u have somewhere down the line taught me how to and i blooody well will.." - I have ?!? But u still wear em those darned ***** :) call me and u'll know what I speak of !
guppie : well, allo' there mister silent spectator :) Thank U :) hopefully i'll find my own groove. Well, hopefully
anon/sahil: :) Thank u. A break, that sounds exciting !
Ooo, another of the bombay boys. Interesting. Very interesting :)
ReplyDeletePS: Wallowing in self-pity is one of the best ways to get out of it. As long as you dont stretch it too long ;)
@ casa: whats life w/o a bit of drama ?! * winks *
ReplyDeletestumbled on ur post..read thru it..loved it i must say.this one specially.There is one thing in life we cant do ." To make everyone happy" .We have one life and atleast if we are happy about it others will learn to be happy with us.cheers!
ReplyDelete